Tear down my walls!

Dear Universe,

Here I am, making my statement. I need it, I want it, and it is my right to express myself this way.

For the last years, you have torn down my walls! Everything that I have built over time, all the walls, armor, limits, barriers, rules, everything that kept me in my safe zone, you torn it down! I tried to rebuild some of the things, but it doesn’t work that way. All my system was built to protect me, keep me safe, first of all from you! After every experience I have drawn my conclusions and moved forward based solely on the things that I could perceive. And the more things happened, the more I built, the higher and thicker the walls got.

I tried to keep things simple, not start anything I could not foresee the outcome for, not try anything, just lay low and wait for the entire road trip to end. I saw dynamic things around me and tried to keep myself safe from that by avoiding it. I tried to avoid change, as it is a continuous stepping out of your comfort zone: the day you finally feel safe with the new situation, everything starts to move and change all over again. I tried to build a shell, a hard box that could keep everything new and unfamiliar away. I tried to not get into action to avoid uncertainty and unknown outcomes. And most of all, I kept my shell tidy and strong, reinforcing it with every small wind of change.

And what did you do? You knocked it down, just stepped over it like nothing was there. The more I built, the harder you blew the wind of change. I said, “No more!” several times, but you said that as long as I am here, that doesn’t count. You said I should go out and experience, I felt like thrown away from my safe home and sent in the middle of nowhere, alone. That was scary, I said I didn’t like it, but you insisted. Each time we had a conversation, I was left with my words and you…with your actions. In the end it always happened your way.

It took me a long time to stop fighting you, and I am still not there completely. I understand now that as long as we are here, we are part of the dynamics of life, so stopping or staying (in one place, one state, one mindset) is hopeless. As everything changes, so do we and our lives. I called on you so many times saying that I can’t do it anymore, and you shouted back: “Yes, you can! You are still alive, so that is all it takes for you to make it!”. And you are right, I can make it, I know that now. Somehow, I still have to fully understand and accept that already, so that you stop giving me lessons to learn it. But I know that it doesn’t matter what I say, for you my words don’t count, my inner mood does. And until my inner sensor doesn’t agree with my words, you are not going to stop with your lessons.

Overall, I need to thank you. Although I have days when I am absolutely frightened, you are always there, in the weirdest places and situations: a sign in the tram, a song that is “accidentally” played in the supermarket and people. I discovered so many people lately, from so many places, which are so much alike, and we have so many things in common. I have seen things, heard things and felt things I could have never done in my shell. Sure, it was nice and cozy, but I was alone in there and nothing was happening. You showed me that something has to happen, always! And that it is not a bad thing! Motion keeps everything running, as time is just the dimension that gives this Universe the dynamics it needs to manifest itself.

Thank you for not giving up on me, for continuously tearing down all my limits and beliefs. And in the future, please be more patient. I know I have to learn some lessons, I am almost there, I just need a little bit more time. For you time is not relevant, so if you don’t mind, let’s extend some deadlines. I also know that the longer I wait, the deeper and nastier the lesson gets, don’t stress me with that! I am afraid that if I rush, I will break, so give me at least this sense of control: let me decide my pace. I am on my way, I have learnt to accept the path and the lessons, just let me take it slower at times. My soul is on your side, but my mind still needs to process things.

Until next time,

I’m here! And so are you! And we both know such conversations will follow. But that’s OK! That is exactly why we are here, I have agreed with it from the beginning.