Respect your Authority

Funny enough, the first lesson I received after I started learning Human Design, was about Authority. Now, since I was a child, this word had only negative aspects for me and meant bad consequences were around the corner. I used to feel shivers down my spine when it was mentioned. I never had an issue with the authorities, I didn’t get into trouble, and I tried to avoid them as much as possible. That much that when I had to go to the Chamber of Commerce and file a tax declaration, I almost fainted walking through the door. I grew up, somehow, with this idea of a punitive authority, one that looks only at your mistakes, and actually tries to prove everything you do is a mistake.

With all these believes in my head, here I was, during my first lessons of Human Design, hearing that I had to follow my Authority. I knew the subject and the idea were good, but that word, in there, that word was triggering so much stuff in my mind. I could not focus at all on the part with discovering anything, because my mind was too busy being angry and annoyed by the simple principle of authority.

I struggled for a few days, weeks, I don’t know, but it was for quite a while, to just accept the idea that an authority should be followed. I had to get over this issue before being able to discover what exactly that Authority meant for me, and where I was supposed to find it. So, I asked a friend, and an amazing meditation coach, to help me find my roots and get over this feeling that was in my way of learning Human Design.

His words got stuck in my mind, and even now I can clearly hear them. How he described it, the authority is not there to judge or punish, but it is there to lead, guide and nurture. And so, my inner authority was that part of me that listened to and observed life happening around me, while taking the best decisions for my personal wellbeing. My mind was blown away! It gave me a totally new perspective on what authority and responsibility meant. The responsibility of my inner authority was to make sure that I thrive, that I enjoy life, activities and that I correctly state and keep my boundaries whenever necessary. It was the first time when I heard such a beautiful and positive explanation of these aspects. It changed my mind completely about what personal responsibility and maturity meant, and for the first time, I didn’t feel afraid anymore of anything that had to do with the subject of authority.

I am a 5/1 profile, so I have been burnt at the stake lots of times. In most cases, being held responsible meant being told where I failed, what I had done wrong and what my punishment would be. Authority figures used to threaten with harsh consequences, in case I kept my opinions or continued to argue about different subjects, if I spoke up, and so on. I am a Heretic, so yes, I do speak up, I do state truths, which may be perceived as painful sometimes, it is a bit built up inside me to question everything, doubt everything and try the impossible! Ok, it is more built up inside! I like to challenge an idea, a tradition, a pattern, test it and find its flaws and, if possible, suggest a new one, more applicable for the current situation.

I started, therefor, to learn what was my own Authority. How did it look like, how did it feel and behave like, what was the overall idea behind it. During my first attempts to understand it, my mind was constantly in the way, arguing, explaining, battling the thought itself, because it was scared. It is very common for the mind to be afraid, because fear and doubt are traits of the not-self of the Ajna and Head centers. It is easy to fall in their trap and start ruminating useless thoughts. I was used to those useless thoughts, I was used to fear, I was used to acting in a fear based way. I learned in school that if you don’t work, you die of hunger, if you don’t have money, you can’t have a roof over your head, and if you don’t go along with public opinion, you will be rejected and most probably die alone. Of course, all my actions were to counteract all these negative, and presented as very probable, scenarios. My mind got stuck, realizing that fear wasn’t, isn’t and never will be, a good reason to do anything, but what else was there to take fear’s place? What other reason could someone have, except for acting out of fear, to do anything? Even more, how would life look like if there would be no more fear?

With these thoughts, I started exploring other possibilities, as triggers for actions, while I kept on reading about what inner Authority and Strategy meant, from a Human Design point of view. I then had another conversation with someone more experienced than me in HD, about art, sales and the reason someone would buy something. What if you buy something because it makes you feel good, and not because you need it to survive, as in eat, drink or get dressed? So, what if I saw art as something soothing for the soul, which is in the end, the only thing that matters? – What if I saw art being worthy of earning money? I contemplated this possibility, of enjoying life instead of living it as a battle, and I noticed that my body was giving me positive signals. I looked around me for things and activities that I might do, and I might enjoy. I followed my feeling, wherever it said I would feel good, and I noticed a lot of physical improvements. I found a table tennis location and I started playing. I bought myself canvases and paint and started painting for the pleasure of it, whatever I felt like, and without questioning myself if others would like it. I started taking breaks when I felt the need and working when I had the energy, even if it was late in the evening or even in the middle of the night. And, suddenly, I was sleeping better, eating better, having more muscular strength and a clear head.

Since then, I understood my Authority more and more. I am an Emotional Manifesting Generator, so I have an emotional wave to ride, and strong feelings in my body if something feels right or wrong. I tested my Authority in all kinds of situations, from choosing the road that had less traffic, to working with people, playing games, and even doing my taxes. I let my mind think and make scenarios, but I no longer allow it to make decisions. I involve my mind, now, in HOW to perform something, HOW to deal with a situation, but I don’t allow it anymore to choose WHAT to do. I learned the highs and the lows of my emotional wave, how to use it when it’s on the peak, and how to rest and take care of myself when it’s on the low. I have become more aware of my reactions, triggers and of the persons’ around me.

But besides the physical aspects, I also found one thing that I felt was missing: an inner feeling of confidence, support, strength and stability. In the end, together with my Authority, I found my best friend, confident, helper and caretaker: I found myself!