I was leaning with my back against a tree, surrounded by complete darkness, in the middle of a forest. I went there for a walk and to clear my mind, which was spinning thoughts at an unbearable speed. I got next to a tree and felt the need to sit down, but there was mud on the forest floor, and the next best thing I thought of was to just lean against a tree. As my back touched the tree, with my hands in my pockets, I sighed. That was the best support I felt I was offered in years. And it came from a tree. I closed my eyes and just took deep breaths of forest scent, sitting in silence and darkness. I felt I had no energy left, all my thoughts, wishes, plans, arrangements, and backup strategies drained my energy. My mind was too much all over the place and tried to fix and control too many things at the same time.
I felt like an exhausted Manifesting Generator. Theoretically I was supposed to be full of energy, do, act, impact, universalize, bring change, and move the Planet. And yet, there I was, with my back against a tree, finally silencing my spinning mind. And I felt peace. As I was focusing on my breath and the silence around me, from behind the clouds, an almost full Moon showed up, illuminating the forest around me, allowing me to see the trees’ crowns uniting up in the sky. I felt protected and safe. The feeling I had was in total opposition with all my mental worries and agitation. There, I could just be, enjoy the moment and lay down any struggle.
That was the moment when instead of thinking about How’s and What’s, thoughts of What if? started crossing my mind.
What if I just paused with all my plans, with all my wishes, with all my race for better, brighter, further, more?
What if everything I had done until now would be lost? What if it was in vain? What if I never find what I am looking for? What if I never “get” what I “want”? What if none of my wishes will come true? What if I never feel what I would like to feel, experience what I would like to experience, get to wherever I am headed to?
What if I just give up? Give up on my approach on things, on my struggles and my worries? What if I detach from all the thoughts I have going on, and just let myself be? What if I give up control and just surrender?
Who would I be if none of my thoughts were to become reality? How would I feel and act, what would I do next, again…who would I be?
I let myself stay with these thoughts, and all the feelings caused by them. Feelings of grieve, loss and sadness. In the end, whatever attachment we let go, comes with a period of feeling loss and grieve. And that is what I was doing, detaching from my thoughts and mind, from all my expectations and desires. I was mourning all the plans and preparations that got lost on the way, and made peace in my heart that they may never come again. I may never get to what I “thought” I wanted, and I was at peace with that.
With my back against a tree, and the Moon gently lighting up my surroundings, I came to realize: this is what being in the experiment of life means! This is what surrender feels like, this is the trigger of faith and what keeps humanity moving. This was the feeling that would overcome uncertainty and confusion: just being! Being in the body, enjoying the moment, with no plans, no predictability, no “must do’s”. Just being! This was the moment that a lot of Human Design teachers mentioned: giving into the body, feeling the moment, taking the mind from behind the wheel. And it felt so good, so freeing! It was like I could take a break, and just let life lead me. I didn’t know anything extra, but life made sense, and there was a feeling of certainty. I caught my mind trying to analyze the source of this new feeling, and I gently shushed it. It could rest, we were OK, we were safe, we were supported and there was no need for it to try to take over control in the attempt to keep us safe. I was OK, nature and life had my back on this!
Besides the moment I first tuned into my Authority, I felt this moment being yet another highlight of my Human Design journey. It finally gave me the perspective on what surrendering to my life and my experiment meant. I had now the feeling for it, and the knowledge came along with that feeling. Now, I knew how it felt to be attuned to myself, how to be centered. And all those things that were catching my attention and draining my energy, got loose.
Who would I be if nothing that I thought of would “go according to the plan”? I would still be, I would still live.
The moonlight and the forest scenario took me back to the Maanhoeve, in the Netherlands! It is an amazing place, full of calm and peace. When I visited it, I felt my mind got quiet on its own, silenced by the nurturing and resting atmosphere. If you’d like to see how it feels like to just let go and take a deep dive into your being and your Human Design experiment, you are more than welcome to join us for a 4 days event. The purpose is to let the mind have some rest and put behind the wheel the feeling that comes with following our Authority: peace, satisfaction, success, and surprise. There is nothing more pleasant than being surprised by what surrendering brings along the way. There is no better feeling than flowing within the stream of life.
Have a look on the link below and let me know if you would like to join.
The Chronicles of a Human Being 
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