“If you don’t come right now with me, I will leave you here, alone!” – said a parent to their child, when the child didn’t want to leave the playground for a few more minutes

“I am teaching you a lesson right now, by punishing you, so that when you are older you end up in a better place!” – said a teacher, to a student, when failing them at an exam, although the real score would have been a passing one

“I criticize you and push you harder, because I know you can do and achieve more!”– said the singing coach to the student, while rejecting them from performing with the choir, on a school show

“I yell at you and ask more from you, because I want to toughen you up!”– said a person to another person

And all this, in the name of love and good intentions.

I believe the majority of us heard these phrases, or similar ones, while growing up, going to school, learning a new skill, and even while being in a romantic relationship. We learned that the ones who want what is best for us, also treat us in a way that is not so pleasant. sometimes. They can even treat us badly, according to any standard, just because “they love us and try to makes us better, help us improve ourselves”.

During the years when I used to go to church on a regular basis, I also heard this stated out loud in the house of The Lord, our Creator: He made us and gave us this amazing gift of life, but He is also severe and punishes us if we make mistakes. When I was a child, the only thing that these statements made me feel was that whatever I do, at some point I will mess up, because it’s impossible to be perfect all the time, and I will get my behind kicked. There was no other way! As an adult, the same statements turned into the fear of trying out different things, for not failing, and getting punished. But the feeling that came along with them, was always a funny one, like something was wrong, fundamentally wrong! Why were the people or gods that loved us, entitled to bring us suffering?

Beginning with religion, I couldn’t get over the following, constant question in my head: how come that a God that loves you, punishes you? Why can’t He just explain and let you try again? Why can’t He just forgive and let you be? Why did He ever give you such a “present”, as He claims life is, if you are not allowed to enjoy it? Why should you always be afraid of your next step, next decision, and God in general? Why should you be afraid of someone you love? What does love have to do with fear?

Across the years, since around 9 years ago, I started a quest to find out what was with all these statements and believes, that so many people repeated over and over again, and the discrepancy with the inner feeling that they gave me. I never believed in criticism, it never helped me, it never motivated me, so why was I expected to improve based on it? And why were the people that stated that cared about me, criticizing me, when obviously criticism didn’t help? Why were the “rough and tough” lessons so much respected and put on a pedestal? Why was everyone OK, at least on a surface level, with the fact that you learn best through hardships?

Since I became a parent myself, the feeling that love and criticism/fear/tough lessons can’t go hand in hand became even stronger. Something was very flawed with this, because as long as you love someone, you want to make them feel OK, safe, protected, supported, nurtured and looked after. So how could someone feel like that, feel all that support and care, while being criticized and punished? And what does that say about the relationship between I love you and I am punishing you? Because the reason for the punishment, which is in the most scenarios of the mind, a noble one For your own good, because I want the best for you is rarely heard by the one taking the blame. That reason doesn’t matter at all, in most of the cases. Of course, there are exceptions, like when you have to remove a screw or a splinter from another person’s hand: yes, in that case you might hurt them more before they get better, but that is another story, and has to do with our material world, not with the soul.

But coming back to the idea that we punish others because we want what is best for them, the only thing that this creates is low feelings in the one that takes the blame. It connects love and care with negative behaviors. It creates the expectation that the one we love will eventually punish us for something, thus creating a weird connection between love and suffering. And even worse, the suffering is created by the person that we love, precisely because they love us and we love them! And they want what is best for us! So, they hurt us! In this way, we get to the “match made in Heaven” of love and suffering. This match logically explains how Love can’t exist without Suffering, how they go hand in hand and how you can’t have one without the other. But it can also make us afraid of love and experiencing it, because as long as it brings suffering in the end, who would still like to have it? We start avoiding love and even being afraid of it, because we connect it with the suffering that it eventually brings. We end up feeling out of love, craving for it, but at the same time being afraid to experience it, so, we end up empty and miserable. Our minds managed to corrupt what Love really means, and connect it to misery, therefor safely guarding their position of power and control: the hypocrite authority.

It is a very weird and abnormal connection, and also an awful misinterpretation of what love is. Love doesn’t punish, nor it blames. Love has patience, gives safety, helps when and where it can, but doesn’t destroy when things don’t go its way. It is not love that invented this love-punishment behavior, but it is the Ego. It is the mind trying to control it’s environment, hiding this need for control under noble purposes and statements. It is the mind that wants to show it can set up someone else’s direction, as it “knows best”. Because the mind always tries to take the lead, while understanding what is going on around it. And it is a good idea to take control of the ones around us, just in case, so that we know for sure what and how it will happen, with them and with us. It is the fear of the mind of the unknown that made these connections, between Love, which just is, and control. Love doesn’t want control, and it roots for freedom. Love knows that everything will unfold in the best way in the end, because it walks hand in hand with Faith and Surrender. The mind doesn’t know what Faith or Surrender are, and is not even interested in them, because you can’t put tasks and metrics on them, you can’t measure and you can’t assure them. There is nothing YOU CAN DO with Love, Faith and Surrender, there is no action to be taken with them, so the mind is not interested in their nonsense. But it uses their names, especially Love’s name, to make up reasons and excuses for its decisions.

Love is safe! Love is kind and patient. It knows that a lesson is best learned in its own time, at its own speed and rhythm. Love allows us to try and make mistakes, it gives us free will and all it wants from us is Happiness. Love encourages and compliments, it points out the good in the other one and forgives whatever mistakes they made. Love is warm and doesn’t threaten to leave you alone, but sits there in silence, by your side, until you are ready to move on once again. Love doesn’t hurt, and it heals the suffering. Love won’t ever bring suffering, and will never trigger shame or guilt in the other one. Love doesn’t take revenge, nor does it want to “teach the other one a lesson!”.

Love is safe! Love is the opposite of fear, because we can’t fear that which we love. And also, we can’t love that which we fear. So, as long as we would like someone to love us, the last thing that we should try to enable in them, is fear.